With June on the horizon, the smell of summer is getting sweeter and sweeter, or maybe that is the cherry scented anal-bleaching cream. As we are still recovering from our Memorial Day Festivities (just one day to respect America’s fallen heroes), we must prepare ourselves for a full month of homosexual propaganda. Here at Today Is America, we can’t guarantee that you will make it through this month straight or glitter free, but we are here to try and help.
5 Ways To Survive The Rainbow Apocalypse
- Stay away from large cities- like any end of times scenario, the best thing to do is to distance yourself from major population hubs. Cities like Los Angeles and New York are prime hives for homosexual gatherings. If you are trying to avoid seeing overweight human beings from revealing too much skin, stay away from city streets.
- Keep your children at home- it is almost as if the organizers of Pride Month intentionally wanted to wait for school to be out. Trying to flee from pride predators can already be difficult. Bringing a kid along with you is like wearing a meat tie into a lions den.
- Wear two pairs of underwear- with creeps lurking behind every corner, it is better to have an extra layer of protection. Statistics show that unsolicited rectum intrusions increase 300% in the month of June (This is a joke but you definitely believed it).
- Buddy System- just as homosexuals travel in packs, so must we. Moving in pairs will decrease the likelihood of falling into a trap. Sometimes it is hard to decipher between a trap and a good time, but having two pairs of eyes can be helpful when determining if you are walking into a “Happy Hour” or a “Happier Hour” if you know what I mean.
- Camouflage- the first four suggestions above are tips to try and avoid this final and desperate act of survival, but sometimes we must do what we must. Like sharks in the ocean, gays can smell straightness. If you find yourself in a city, by yourself, with no way out in sight, you must blend in with the surroundings. The best tools for this are fishnet stockings, crop tops, booty shorts, and a shit ton of glitter. We will not judge you for your survival tactics, but your girlfriend might.
